The Phantom of Big Lots
by Victoria .V. Nightshade
Summary: ...well, let me see...there is a phantom...but he's in Big Lots...what more can I say? R
1. Angel of Discount

Disclaimer: I don't own PTO...or Big Lots...and neither does Lu. (Sighs at the thought of owning her own Phantom)  
  
My best friend and I wrote this story purely for entertainment, if you can't handle mindless humor, then leave....(everyone leaves)....shrug ohhh well....  
  
Let us Begin!!!!....................................................................................  
  
(Annette and Christine enter Big Lots, and look around at the discount paradise)

Christine: soooo.... What do we need again?

Annette: well let's see... um... bean dip...poison.... And a couple of cans of sprite.

Christine: all right.

(They head to the medicine aisle)

Christine: (is shocked) look at the price for rat poison, that's ridiculous! 

Annette: holy s%!!!!!!!! 62 dollars? (Eye twitches)

Christine: let's go get the bean dip....

Annette: (nods) dude... 

Christine: yeah

(They head away to aisle 7)

Annette: did you hear something?

(Annette looks around wildly, they see rat poison lying in the middle of the aisle)

Christine: (picks it up) that's weird...let's take it back to the shelf

Annette: (looks over Christine's shoulder) 

(They head back only to find that the price is 99 cents!!! GASP!!!)

Christine: this is majorly creepy....

Annette: Your tellin me.... (Annette takes box and goes to place rat poison back on shelf)

Annette: let's get outta here 

Christine: but we neeeeed that bean dip for our party tonight!

Annette: Crap. You're right. come on, lets get that that damn bean dip and get the hell out of here!

Christine: Kay...(runs flailing arms wildly)

(figure swoops down, nearly knocking Annette's head off)

Annette: damn!!!! They've got bats in this place! 

Christine: (knees begin to shake) GRAB THE BEAN DIP!!! QUICKLY!!!!

Annette: (grabs bean the dip but it is knocked out of her hand) HOLY CRAP!!! 

Christine: RUN!!!!!

(They run for the doors but are stopped by a fat man in a Big Lots uniform...his name... Piangi...) 

Piangi: JUST WHERE DO YOU TWO THINK YOU"RE GOING!?!!!

Christine: we're getting out of here!!!! 

Piangi: our prices aren't that unreasonable!! 

Annette: YOU HAVE GIANT BATS OR SOMETHING!!!!! You need to get the pest control out here!!!! 

(An elderly woman wearing an assistant manager pin (Mrs. Giry) walks over to the trio) 

Giry: what's going on? 

Piangi: they say we got bats... 

Giry: ohhh dear...(looks about, but her mind seems distant) 

(The two girls stare, frightened out of their minds) 

Giry: you two girls come with me.... 

(Piangi practically forces the two heroines into Giry's office)

Giry: (indicating two chairs directly across from her desk) Sit. 

(Annette and Christine take their seats) 

Annette: is there something we should know?!! 

Giry: it seems that there is.

Annette: well would you mind telling us so we can get out of this place? 

Giry: well, you see, for a few years now, one of our former employees has been living in the basement...

Christine: :O

Annette: in the basement? 

Giry: well, yes...he's almost become a mascot...he has a habit of slashing our prices. 

Annette: O.O... NO!!!!!! ANTHING BUT THAT!!! ... Wait... what's so bad about slashing prices? 

Giry: we don't profit from it...he's never bothered any of our customers before though...you weren't vandalizing anything were you? 

Christine: NO!! 

Giry: hmmm, well, tell me what you need and I'll have Piangi fetch it for you. 

Christine: bean dip...and a few cans of Sprite

(Giry waves Piangi off to get the sprite and dip) 

Annette: thank you... uh ... can I ask you a question Ma'am? 

Giry: go ahead dear.

Annette: why in the world does one of your former employees live in the basement?!! 

Giry: well...you see...

(Wavy flash back of a young boy stocking shelves in the feminine products aisle)

Giry: there was an accident with those menstrual heating pads.... 

(Boy is placing box of heating pads on the shelf when the box flies open and one falls on his face...boy screams in pain)

Giry: his face was permanently scared, he held us responsible so to avoid a lawsuit we allow him to hide in the basement... 

Annette: that's horrible... but we still don't know what he wants from us. 

Giry: I'm not sure...but you should steer clear of her until I get back to you, could I have your phone number? I'll contact you if there is any change is the situation. 

Christine: (looks through her hand bag for a pen) my wallet...it's gone!! 

(Annette stares, shocked)

Annette: WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?!!

Christine: I don't know!!!! Mrs. Giry you have to find my wallet before that..That...psychopath does! 

(Distant singing is audible through the walls of Giry's office) 

(Annette passes out)

Voice: Come to me angel of discount...I am your angel of discount! 

Christine: Oo

Annette: . 

(Piangi returns with the bean dip and sprite)

Piangi: Here you are girls. (Hands them the bean dip and sprite) 

Christine: Did you see a wallet anywhere? 

Piangi: no...not that I recall... 

Giry: don't worry, it will turn up.

(Annette and Christine look at one another in horror.)

Giry: you ladies can go ahead and leave, We'll contact you if there are any developments...The bean dip and Sprite are free, and when we locate your wallet we will send it to your home. Please girls, don't worry everything will be fine. 

Both Girls: (not convinced) all right... (They stand and leave the room, both shaking in their shoes) 

Annette: You wanna stay with me for a few days? 'til this whole thing blows over? 

Christine: sure. 

(They get into Annette's car and drive away)  
  
(Meanwhile, in the basement of Big Lots, Erik (the phantom) is searching through Christine's wallet, He finds a note and reads it to himself.) 

Dear Christine,

Sorry you didn't get a lead in the musical...(again), but you know how Mrs. White is, she favors her Ballerinas over everyone else...maybe next year right? (Ha ha)... I still luv you! 

Annette 

Erik: (evil grin) ah, what do we have here?

(Pulls out her student I.D and examines it closely.)

Erik: Well Miss Daaé is it? I think it's high time some good fortune comes your way...  


  
  
R&R please, this is meant to be silly and pointless so please don't flame, Kay? Well, if we get some positive reviews we might continue, until then...Well...(Starts singing random Phantom songs (badly) stops only for a moment to add) I'll stop singing when you start reviewing! ("THINK Of Me, Think of me fondly when we've said GOOOddd bYYE!!! A passing Carnie covers his ears and screams ) 


	2. You are music

Thanks for the Reviews!! So I suppose we must continue... Don't worry about other characters entering the Phic, they all will, one by one. (Well, maybe a few won't show up, but none that will be missed much :D)  
-------------------------chapter 2!!!!!  
(We find ourselves in the home of Christine Daaé, it is simple and pleasant. Her mother is out at the moment, at a convention in Tennessee, but she gave Christine permission to have a small party at the house, as long as they didn't make a mess. Annette and Christine are setting up a snack table, while discussing the odd events of that afternoon.)  
  
Annette: after the party, we'll clean up and you can come back to my house, you shouldn't take any chances with your wallet missing and your mother being gone.  
  
Christine: I know, I know, I just want to get through this party without Carlotta making a total fool of me.  
  
Annette: I don't understand why you would invite her, she hates you, and you hate her.  
  
Christine: Yes well, We are the only two in school that can't stand her, and if she didn't come I don't think anyone else would.  
  
Annette: (Gives Christine a nudge with her elbow) Except Raoul (wink) .  
  
Christine: (Blushes) He's just a friend Annette!  
  
Annette: Right...  
  
(The doorbell rings, Annette opens the door to reveal a handsome and dashing young man.)  
  
Annette: Oh, Hi Raoul...  
  
Raoul: Hey Annette, do you know where Christine is?  
  
Annette: She's in the living room.  
  
(Raoul makes a mad dash for the living room.)  
  
Annette: (under her breathe) Fop...  
  
(While Raoul drools over Christine, the party guest arrive one by one, Each one greeted by Annette's sweetest smile...Until...)  
  
DING DONG  
  
Annette: (opens the door, her smile disappears) Hello, Carlotta. Carlotta: (bursts past Annette and walks grandly into the living room, where all the other party guest are mingling) The Life of the party has arrived! (She beams).  
  
(Everyone rushes over to Carlotta, chattering loudly about her dress, and her upcoming appearance in the leading role of My Fair Lady.)  
  
Christine: --  
  
Meg: Oh, Carlotta! I heard Mr. Andre is planning a party for you after the first performance!  
  
Carlotta: yes, well, I am the school's Prima Donna!  
  
Christine and Annette: (Roll their eyes)  
  
(The party progresses, Carlotta sings "wouldn't it be loverly" for her adoring fans while Christine loses herself in a mixture of Longing and Loathing. Annette, noticing Christine, proposes a singing competition, the majority of the guest scoff)  
  
Reyer: Who can sing better then Carlotta?!  
  
Annette: Well, I'd like to give it a shot...Christine, what about you?  
  
Christine: (coming back to reality) Hmm?...ME?!  
  
Annette: no...I mean Raoul...(rolls her eyes in the direction of the Fop)  
  
Raoul: Hey!! (Annette slaps him on the back of the head)  
  
Carlotta: Fine. I'll go first (she sings "Colors of the Wind")  
  
Annette: (whispers to Christine) She sounds like she's singing through her nose...(pushes her nose up in an imitation of a Pig) oink...oink.  
  
(They laugh quietly while Carlotta finishes up her song)  
  
Annette: My turn...(clears her throat several times)  
  
Carlotta: Just get on with it Already!!!  
  
Annette: All right, all right! Keep your skirt on! (Sings "My Heart Will Go On")  
  
Carlotta: Of course she chooses a pop song! (She and the present Carlotta fans snicker)  
  
Annette: (imitates Jack Black in School of Rock by holding up her index, middle, and ring fingers and shouting) "READ BETWEEN THE LINES!"  
  
Annette: (calming herself) Christine, show this uncultured cow what real talent is!  
  
Christine: No Annette...  
  
Carlotta: Come on "Chorus Member #35", you can't even get a decent part in a school musical...I bet you can't hit anything above a B Flat!  
  
(In light of this insult Christine immediately begins to sing "God Help the Outcast". When she finishes there is a Long silence... In the Meantime, Erik has found his way to Christine's home, climbing in her open window (after climbing a tree :P) and has been watching this scene from the shadowy stairwell. He is entranced by Christine...he is now certain that she is his angel of discount...)  
  
Annette: (breaking the silence) you go girl!  
  
Christine: (looking very embarrassed) don't ever say that again, Annette...  
  
Raoul: (drools over Christine...as he normally does)  
  
Carlotta: I think I must be going. (She grabs her things and stomps to the door, her fans (consisting of everyone except Annette, Christine, and Raoul) in tow.) Adieu! (And they are gone)  
  
Annette...HOLY CRAP! THAT WAS AWESOME!!! We showed that cow!  
  
Raoul: (wiping his drool-covered mouth with his sleeve) That was wonderful...  
  
Christine: I feel so stupid.  
  
Annette: Don't! That was great, you sh- (there is a shuffling sound from upstairs) What the hell was that!?  
  
Raoul: Don't worry ladies, (Takes a deep breath and puffs out his chest) I'll protect you!  
  
Christine: Annette, I'm going to get my things and we're going to your house ASAP.  
  
Raoul: awww...Parties over? (  
  
(Annette and Christine give Raoul a nasty glare)  
  
(Christine grabs a Mickey Mouse flashlight and slowly ascends the staircase up to her room...She flicks the light switch ...nothing, just her small room)  
  
Christine: (relieved sigh)  
  
(Suddenly the lights flicker out and the door closes behind her.)  
  
Christine: whimpers incoherently   
  
Erik: I have come for you my angel of discount... to lead you to my world were love and low prices abound...  
  
(Erik begins to sing soothingly to Christine, she is under his spell. He picks her up and somehow manages to get to the first floor without a scratch... He takes her off to Big Lots where his lair awaits...)  
  
Annette: (Enters Christine's room) Christine! Where are you?! (Sees a note lying on the dresser reads:) Dear Annette, Went to the IN and OUT mart, meet you at your house, Love Christine. Shrug O..kay  
  
(Back at Big Lots, Christine is singing a duet with the Phantom as they make their way to his basement lair)  
  
Christine: In Aisle 7 he sang to me  
In Giry's office, he came...  
That voice so strange to me,  
But knows my name  
  
And have I lost my mind  
For now I find,  
The Phantom of Big Lots is there  
a stock boy of some kind...  
  
(The song ends, because they've already reached Erik's "lair", which has a striking resemblance to the home of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)  
  
Erik: Let us talk of your future as a singer...  
--------------------------------------END..sort of  
Okay...they sucked from my POV, but who know, maybe some demented Phan will read this at 3 A.M and find it slightly amusing...  
  
R&R Please... 


	3. Christine,,,christine,,,Annette?

Disclaimer: I don't own PTO, as I have already stated....I want my own Erik (...  
  
Chapter 3: Christine...Christine...Annette?!  
  
................................................................................  
  
(We once again find ourselves in the Basement of Big Lots, where Erik is singing a song to the tune of Music of the Night)  
  
Erik: Wal-Mart tries to  
Lead us to temptation...  
We fight back with  
Prices that are a sensation...  
Soon those fools will find  
I have something new in mind...  
  
You will sing  
Our theme song and our motto...  
Then you'll choose  
Me over that Fop...Ohhhhh......  
Very soon we'll be  
The Eternal King and Queen  
of this perfect discount paradise...  
Help me make the prices so they're right...  
  
(He skips to the end, simply because there is nothing else to say...)  
You alone  
Can help me with my plight...  
Here you'll find  
The prices are so right....  
  
(Christine is entranced by his gorgeous voice...not so much by the lyrics...)  
  
Erik: (Gently caresses Christine's cheek) Soon, The Big Lots board members will hear you sing, and you will be the voice behind my discount devotion... but you must return to me if you wish to become truly great!  
  
Christine: Well...I don't know...  
  
Erik: (glares and gives her a quick flash of a Punjab Lasso made out of Big Lots yarn)  
  
Christine: Oh...All right.... Annette won't miss me if I'm gone once in a while...  
  
(At Annette's house)  
  
Annette: God Damn it, Where is she!!!?? It doesn't take that freak'n long to go to the IN and OUT Mart!!!  
  
(Back in the lair)  
  
Erik: You should return to your friend.  
  
Christine: (shrug) okay...thank you.  
  
(They sit quietly, glancing about at random objects occasionally meeting the other's gaze in which case they quickly look away...we can hear Michaelangelo (The teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle (DUH)) burp in the background)  
  
Erik: (finally standing) I'll show you out...  
  
(Christine enters Annette's house)  
  
Annette: Where in the hell have you been!? I kept calling the in and out mart, and you know how Apu is, you can barely understand a word! But he managed to tell me that he hadn't seen you.  
  
Christine: I went for a walk...  
  
(The Phone rings)  
  
Annette: (picking it up) Y-ello? Yes, she's here...(hands Christine the phone) It's for you.  
  
Christine: Hello? Yes Mrs. White, I'm staying with Annette.........Oh......Really?! That's great!!! OH, Thank you!...Yes, Absolutely! Bye! (misses the receiver three times before successfully hanging up) Carlotta gave up her part in the musical! I get to play Eliza!!! ( hops about the room excitedly making high pitched screechy noises)  
  
Annette: (looks at Christine with a faraway look in her eyes) There's something weird goin' on here, and I'm gonna find out what it is...(she looks out the window toward the Big Lots sign glowing in the distance)

................................................End

A.N:  
Sorry it's so short, and I hope it 'twas funny...I'll keep going If I get a few more reviews...yes that means you have to review...or else? or else I'll (there is a load crash as her closet door flies open and Firmin and Andre tumble out, rather disheveled ;-) ) EWWWW!!!! Get out of my closet!! (beats them with a broom while shouting : ) R&R FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!! 


	4. Wouldn't it be Loverly?

A.N: Thanks for all the wonderful reviews! (Tear) I'm really touched, (is attacked by her co-writer Annette) oh, Annette's touched too...so on with the phic!

Chapter Four: Wouldn't it be Loverly?

(We find our beloved Annette accompanying Christine to her first practice for "My Fair Lady", Christine is beyond ecstatic, humming "I Could have Danced All Night" happily as they enter the Auditorium for rehearsal.)

Annette: (glancing about nervously at all the Carlotta lovers, who are following the heroines' every move with their glaring, hateful eyes) Umm...you better watch yourself Christine, there like freaking territorial animals! (Imitates a lion tamer) BACK, GET BACK I SAY!!!! (Everyone stares at her, confused, as she smile smugly for causing mass confusion)

Andre: (claps his hands to gain everyone's attention) Alright children, let us begin...if Miss Daaé would please take her place...

(The rehearsal begins quietly enough, most begin to realize what potential Christine possesses, but Annette has a strange feeling that she is not the only one to attend the rehearsal to support her dear friend. Annette stands and begins wandering around backstage...she finds nothing but feels no relief...)

-One Hour Later-

Andre: Great! Kids that was absolutely SUPER fantastic!!!! If we could just keep this up to the actual performance, I think this will be the best show we've ever done!

(Christine runs to Annette's side gripping at her arm with the happiest smile anyone could ever possess)

Christine: Oh Annette! This is wonderful! I've never been so happy! (she suddenly breaks into her rare happy dance) Oh yeah! Oh yeah!!!!

Annette: What about the time that Carlotta fell flat on her face after being called a toad by Mr. Gregory?

Christine: Well, it's an awfully close tie...(They laugh, but Christine seems to be scanning the area around her...searching for something)

Annette: Christine, you've been acting awfully strange lately...

Christine: (coming to herself) Oh no I'm not, you're just not used to seeing me this happy! that's all!

(Annette stares after Christine as she skips off back stage)

Christine: (Calling over her shoulder) I'll be back in a second Annette! I forgot my script!!!

(Annette, feeling rather puzzled, turns to sit at the nearest table only to find Christine's open script lying upon it )

Annette: Okay....I'm really confused now...

(she quickly decides that following Christine would be the best choice and...PUFF...Off she goes!!! We follow the lovable Annette to the dressing rooms behind the stage where she discovers one door left ajar, with a pale light from inside spilling out over the floor and a voice, that chilled her to the bone, coming from Christine's dressing room. )

Erik: You did well today my little discount cherub, keep up the good work and I will take you down once more to that world that was made for you and I alone! Now go, before your crazed friend suspects something.

(Annette turns and runs as fast as she can, all the while thinking about what she had just heard.... "Discount cherub?" she thought.... That could only be one person.... The dreaded creature that had haunted their steps in Big Lots... The menstrual heating pad Phantom!)

Christine: (returning) Oh! Silly me, I left it out here on the table.

Annette: yeah, sure you did...Hey Christine, I'm gonna go to Big Lots for some potato chips, I'll be home in a bit okay?

Christine: (Jumps slightly at the sound of the place) oh...all right then, I'll see you later.

(They go their separate ways, each down a different path...One down the path of an actress, and the other...to discount horrors...)

------------------------------

A.N- Okay, I know it's been awhile but my summer has been nothing but Band, trips to random places, and sickness YAY! I'm working on this, my art page...(which can be viewed at :D) and another story on a separate SN. So please bear with me, but hopefully the next chapter won't take long at all...since I basically know where I'm going with this :-)

(Erik appears in the shadowy background and says as loudly and clearly as he can...)

Erik: no, you don't know where you're going with this

V.N: (turns and glares) anyway, thanks for reading and ta ta for now!

Next Chapter: Annette's descent !!!!


End file.
